


Nightmares

by luckygrey



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Drabble, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 01:06:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4000147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckygrey/pseuds/luckygrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short thing about Blue having nightmares about Gansey dying and how people (Gansey) help her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

Blue has nightmares. Always the same. Gansey stands right in front of her, close enough that she could reach out and touch him, and she wants to. In her dreams, she doesn’t remember that the only thing that could ever come of her and Gansey is sadness. In her dreams, she does reach out. Blue rests one palm on Gansey’s chest, right over his heart, and for one perfect moment, she feels his heart beat and it’s perfection. She can feel how warm and solid his chest is, and his blue shirt is soft beneath her fingers, and the look in Gansey’s eyes is all love with none of the sorrow she normally sees in them when he looks at her. She wants to freeze that moment and live in it. To feel that warmth and that love forever would be enough.

  
But then Gansey falls. Even after months of the dream, Blue hadn’t been able to decipher exactly how it happened. In a weird dream way, he was there one moment and gone the next, lying on the ground. And Blue puts her hand in the same place, right over his heart, expecting to feel that steady thump that had become the soundtrack to her life, but it’s gone. And she sits beside Gansey, willing him to sit up and give one of those charm-filled grins that she fell in love with. In real life, Blue would have called someone, anyone, who could help Gansey, but this never ever occurs to Dream-Blue who seems to be wholly lacking in the common sense that Blue prides herself upon. Instead she sits beside a dead Gansey, crying and begging him to open his eyes because she loves him and he doesn’t get to just dies because that’s not fair. It’s only after Blue finally runs out of tears that she wakes up, sobbing. Sometimes it still feels all too real, like she’ll go over to Monmouth Manufacturing and it’ll be cold and silent, and Ronan and Adam will have some sad, empty look on their faces as some broken girl who reminds them of a girl they actually liked walks in. No matter how many times she had the dream, it still felt that way. It took Blue a while to regain enough of her control to realize that it wasn’t real, that Gansey was okay, that his heart still beat.

  
She tried to hide her nightmares from everyone, Gansey especially. No one else deserved to carry her burden, and so she stayed quiet. But it still didn’t come as much of a surprise when one night she woke up and Maura was there. Maura had always been attentive, and Blue was sure she hadn’t been too quiet in her dreamt despair. Maura never said anything, never implied that she knew what Blue’s dreams were about, but she brought hot tea, or hot chocolate, and she sat with Blue until she could stand to be alone again. Blue relied on that quiet support. She didn’t tell anyone else about her dreams because they still didn’t need to know. The boys all had their own problems; they didn’t deserve hers as well.

  
Blue slept over on a couch at Monmouth some days, when they ended up working late. Maura, shockingly, didn’t mind. She apparently “had faith” in Blue. Monmouth didn’t make her nightmares go away, at any rate. She just kept them as quiet as possible. Not quiet enough some nights. Gansey would come out and give a small, heartbreaking, “are you okay?” head tilt, and she wasn’t of course, but she always turned him away. Looking at live Gansey only seemed to bring back images of the dead one, or made her think of how she couldn’t kiss him. It was better for both of them if they never even got close enough for her to want it. It was better if she sent him away and cried alone. But other times it was Ronan who heard her, because he never seemed to sleep. Blue might have thought that he’d be mocking, like he so often acted, but apparently his barriers dropped at night. They didn’t talk, but sitting on the couch and listening to him breathe was grounding. It brought Blue back to reality. Ronan was real, Gansey was real and he wasn’t dead.

  
She did wonder if Ronan knew what she dreamed of. She knew that she’d never know unless he wanted her to. He was cryptic that way, seeming to know things but never sharing them. If he did know, that made her value his presence all the more. He probably had the same fears as she did, and it made her feel steady to have him, even if he was just as freaked out as her.

  
And so Blue’s life went on, the dreams never ceasing. They never became easier to cope with, but she handled them as best as she could, always trying to slow her heart’s pounding afterwards. She knew Gansey worried about her, but he never pestered her and she loved him for that. Blue didn’t cope with the nightmares so much as she simply survived them, and often even that term didn’t quite seem to describe the damage they inflicted upon her. They only ever seemed to get worse, and Blue could feel everyone carefully watching her, waiting for her to break down.

  
Blue tried to stay strong, but she did break down in the end. She was at Monmouth and it was a Friday. It’s possible that by the time Blue really couldn’t cope it was actually Saturday, but those little kinds of details lost themselves in everything else.

  
It was night, cold and dark. The cold managed to leech into Blue’s dream, and Gansey’s dead body lost heat fast. She cried over his body and whispered quietly. Just one thing, over and over and over. Gansey, Gansey, Gansey until that was all she could think and all she could hear.

  
She finally woke up to Gansey saying her name softly, just “Blue, Blue” but that word had never had so much meaning. He was kneeling beside her with his hands on her arms, so light she could barely feel them, and for once she didn’t have the will to turn him away. So she didn’t. Blue leaned into Gansey, her head fitting perfectly under his chin like it was never meant for anything else. Gansey wrapped his arms around her, whispering little things, just “You’re okay, you aren’t alone,” and as simple as it was, it was the only thing Blue really needed to hear.

  
Gansey held her as she cried and waited until her tears dried to speak. When he did, his voice was as soft as his touch had been. “You were saying my name.” Blue didn’t speak, just breathing in that smell that she’d forever associate with Gansey.

  
Her voice is like a feather, airy and floating, but it has a tremor when she speaks. “I can’t stop dreaming about you dying. You’re there one moment and I can feel your heart stop beating but there’s nothing I can do.” With that, Blue’s eyes started watering again.

  
Gansey rubbed her back gently, whispering, “Hey, I’m still here. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned back a bit, tenderly moving Blue’s hand to where it was in her dreams, right over his heart. She could feel his heart beat, feel it race as she slowly moved her fingers over his chest. “That means I’m still alive.”

  
Blue slid off the couch to sit next to Gansey. He wrapped one arm around her, and she put her head back on his chest, where she could hear his heart beat and the sound of his breath. And for once, she could sleep. Even sitting on a cold, uncomfortable floor, she could rest with Gansey’s arm around her. Some small part of her still knew that he was supposed to die, and that her kiss would probably be what killed him, but Blue ignored that part. For one night, she let herself relax in Gansey’s arms and be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this doesn't fit with the canon layout of Monmouth. shhhh
> 
> I may go back and revise this at a later date. No promises.


End file.
